Distinguishing between true love and illusion is challenging when emotions run high, blinding us with their intensity. The line between deep feelings and obsession is often thin and blurred.

Signs of True Love

Respect and effort – True love is not always mutual, but when it is, it is marked by respect for each other’s boundaries and needs. Both partners invest reciprocal effort in the relationship, making each other feel valued and cherished.

Autonomy – In a healthy relationship, each person retains their individuality. You can maintain your own interests, friendships, and commitments without feeling guilty or neglected.

Emotional stability – Though love has its ups and downs, true love brings a sense of security and steadiness. Communication is open and honest, allowing you to express your thoughts and emotions freely.

Constructive communication – Healthy relationships foster open and honest dialogue, where both partners feel safe to express their feelings and needs without fear of judgment or rejection.

If you’re unsure whether your feelings are real or just a product of your imagination, consider how you interact with this person in different situations. Ask yourself if your feelings remain consistent and whether your attention toward them stays the same even when they’re not around. Notice how you respond to their flaws and whether you tend to make compromises that could be harmful to you.

How to Recognize Limerance

Distinguishing between romantic obsession and true love can be challenging, as both involve intense emotions. However, there are key differences that can help you identify when your feelings stem more from fantasy and fixation rather than a healthy connection.

• Excessive thoughts about the person – Do you spend most of your time thinking about them, analyzing their every word and action, or fantasizing about future scenarios and imagined conversations?
• Idealization – Do you see them as flawless, overlooking or downplaying their shortcomings and even dismissing poor treatment?
• Emotional dependence – Do you feel insecure or suffer when you’re not in contact with them? Does the fear of rejection manifest as anxiety or even depression?
• Unhealthy compromises – Are you sacrificing your values, interests, or social life just to please them and maintain the connection?
• Lack of reciprocity – Are you constantly looking for signs that they feel the same way, only to be repeatedly disappointed when your feelings aren’t matched?

At the core of romantic obsession (limerence) is the object of affection—a person we admire and experience deep, often inexplicable feelings for. This person may be unaware of the impact they have on us, or they may be aware but not share the same depth of emotion. In some cases, they might even take advantage of the attention without having genuine interest or feelings in return.

The Dynamics of Relationships in Romantic Obsession

The nature of relationships marked by romantic obsession can vary, but they often share common patterns:

• Lack of boundaries – You may feel as if you and the object of your affection are one, believing they are your “soulmate” and that you share a uniquely special connection.
• Disappointment – There are alternating phases of high hopes, expectations, and deep disappointment, especially when you realize that the other person does not reciprocate your feelings.
• Dependence – Emotional dependence often develops to the point where your happiness becomes entirely tied to interactions with the person you’re obsessed with. The reality is, however, that we cannot place the responsibility for our own happiness in someone else’s hands.

Fantasies and Projections

Fantasies and projections play a central role in the dynamics of limerence. The person experiencing obsession often constructs an idealized image of their object of affection, shaped by their own desires and hopes—an image that rarely aligns with reality. These fantasies are fueled by constant thoughts and daydreaming, leading to the creation of an alternate reality where every action or signal from the other person is interpreted as proof of mutual feelings.

Through these fantasies, an individual becomes so accustomed to thinking about their desired person every moment of the day that, when rejection inevitably comes (which is the most common outcome of such obsession), it can take months or even years to accept reality and break the habit of dedicating all their time and energy to this person. Developing new habits is crucial, but it is far from easy, as the ego and emotional wounds continue to reinforce the obsession.

Causes of Limerance

Romantic obsession often stems from early traumas and relationship patterns learned in childhood:

• Lack of security and low self-esteem – Early experiences of emotional neglect or insufficient attention can lead to a lifelong search for validation and approval in adulthood. This often sustains low self-worth, making a person feel undeserving of love and attention unless they receive constant external validation. Interestingly, this is also one of the primary psychological drivers behind infidelity.
• Idealization and fear of loneliness – A subconscious attempt to “repair” and replay past relationships (most commonly with parents) drives individuals to idealize their object of obsession as a form of compensation. They place this person on a pedestal while neglecting themselves. The fear of loneliness and an addiction to relationships further intensify the need for such idealization.
• Trauma and personality disorders – Limerence is particularly common among individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) or complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Their unstable interpersonal relationships and intense emotional experiences make them prone to romantic obsession. Without emotional regulation, which they often seek externally through another person, they struggle to maintain stability. A deeper understanding of this issue requires examining the family dynamics in which these patterns first developed.

Strategies for Overcoming Limerance

Overcoming romantic obsession takes time, self-awareness, and often professional guidance. The key lies in strengthening your connection with yourself in the following ways:

• Self-awareness and self-acceptance – Developing a deeper sense of self-awareness and self-respect helps reduce dependence on external validation. Acknowledging and accepting your emotions, as well as feeling at home in your own body as a safe space, are critical for inner stability and confidence.
• Emotional regulation – Enhancing emotional intelligence, learning to manage your emotions, and adopting healthier ways to cope with emotional reactions significantly improve overall well-being. A great starting point is practicing the habit of pausing before reacting to anything, giving yourself a few seconds for introspection.

You are not alone in this struggle. There are ways to navigate relationship challenges, find a fulfilling partnership, and distinguish between genuine love and infatuation driven by wishful thinking. It may feel like the world is ending when you are not with a specific person, but this is far from the truth.

With every step forward, you lay the foundation for a future built on mutual respect and true love, leaving unnecessary suffering in the past. The confidence gained in dating, romantic relationships, and healthy communication is invaluable—because only through this process does recognizing real love become possible.